Girls are Easy: A Rant

I have three daughters. When people hear this, be they co-workers, parents I meet in the playground or people in the supermarket, they very often say, “You are lucky; girls are easy” or “Girls are easier to__” . People say this whether they themselves are the parents of boys, boys and girls or have no children. They say these things whether my kids are screaming and running or playing quietly. I have heard this so often and for so long it has inspired this rant.

I have been told girls:

  • are easier to toilet train
  • are easier to discipline
  • don’t run away
  • are better at listening
  • are less likely to avoid homework
  • are more willing to do housework
  • are less likely to get lost
  • are more responsible
  • are better at communicating
  • are better at introspection
  • are less clumsy
  • less likely to eat bugs
  • are less violent
  • are more trustworthy
  • can do errands earlier and more reliably
  • are quieter
  • can cross the street at an earlier age than boys
  • can take care of their siblings, whereas boys can’t or won’t
  • can remember instructions better
  • are less likely to take things apart to see how they work
  • dress themselves earlier
  • can sit still
  • are less likely to make poo and fart jokes and noises
  • will clear their own dishes
  • are better at school
  • are more polite
  • are cleaner
  • are more organized
  • understand adults better
  • are more patient
  • are more persistent
  • are more  independent
  • mature earlier (both in the infant/toddler range and the teenager range)
  • learn better
  • follow directions better

So after hearing this kind of thing for more than 13 years here is my question:

If according to this cultural knowledge/ set of stereotypes boys seem to be slow, unreliable, immature and irresponsible idiots then by what magic do they then suddenly turn into men who seen are as more competent, more professional, smarter,  with more valuable opinions and more deserving of jobs of with higher pay and higher responsibility? How does that work?

Posted in Feminist Parenting | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

My daughter on Kippah and tfillin

I generally don’t post my kids’ achievements on my blog or facebook, but I couldn’t resist this one as it is so close to the themes of this blog. Here is Tefillin and Standing Out  by  my eldest.  It is short so you can head over to V’Tzivanu to check it out. Here is a quote:

Later, the first week after bat mitzvah, when I could wear tfillin, I left my tfillin — which my parents gave me — at home the first time because I was embarrassed to put them on when no other girls were. I eventually took them to school and one of the male teachers who put them on every week showed me how. The teachers were very friendly and made me feel more at ease. A few people gave me weird glances but nobody really cared. I felt different and a little on edge. The tfillin helped me feel like a Jewish adult, but I felt a little unsure of what to do. The next time I put them on I still needed help tying them, but I remembered more. I was more comfortable wearing my tfillin because I had done it before.

On an interesting note, she never mentions tallit, which she saw women wearing since birth, and which her school presented as non-optional (unlike tfillin).

 

 

Posted in Feminism and Jewish Ritual & Practice, Feminist Parenting, Liberal Judaism | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Atereth Zekaynim, The Crown of the Elderly – On the death of Reb Zalman

       עֲטֶרֶת זְקֵנִים, בְּנֵי בָנִים 

Children’s children are the crown of the old (Proverbs 17:6)

Reb Zalman, z”l, of blessed memory was not my Rebbe, though I did meet him several times. He was the Rebbe of my parents when they very young, in the mid-1960s in Winnipeg, Manitoba. At that time Reb Zalman was a professor of Near Eastern and Judaic Studies department of the University of Manitoba, where my parents were students (in other departments). This was in the time period after he was a dynamic youth emissary of the Lubavitcher rebbe, and after he founded Bnai Or (the beginning of Renewal) and just before he founded Havurat Shalom in Somerville, MA.  The Judaism my parents knew  at that time consisted of what we would now call big shul Conservadox, and also the rich secular, often communist (or at least socialist) Jewish culture of the Bundists and the Yiddishists and a taste of more modern Judaism through the Brandeis Camp Institute. What they were finding in their secular lives as university students in the 1960s was Ruach- in the sense of spirituality and in the sort of Camp Ramah sense of spirit and joyous community.

What Zalman did for them, and indeed for all of us, is create a Judaism that had Ruach, in both the spirituality sense and the joyous community sense.

So, my experiences I want to share of Reb Zalman, are not what it was like to hear him teach or lead prayers, as others have so eloquently  done (Reb Zalman Married Counter Culture to Hasidic Judaism …Rest in Peace Reb Zalman: My Rebbe Died Today), but two different things. First, wherever I travelled in my Jewish life, geographically, spiritually, over many years, when I landed in a community that I admired or felt at home in, within a few minutes I would find out that it had either been found by Reb Zalman, or by one of his disciples, or the current leaders were inspired by him. Like the Johnny Appleseed of Jewish spirituality and renewal, his reach was everywhere.

The second is that since it was my parents who were inspired by Reb Zalman, I had the privilege of growing up in a Judaism  where ideas and practices he started were woven into the fabric (see blog title) of my Jewish life, and did not seem new, or odd, but normative and authentic. For this I am very grateful, as it has allowed me to explore without the fear of change and with the confidence of a native. He literally invented the Rainbow tallit (see Jewish Chronicle version or Yonassan Gershom’s version) that I was metaphorically wrapped in. 

And both of these are a true legacy of what he gave to Judaism, and a true crown to his achievements.

 

Posted in Liberal Judaism, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

All-of-a-kind Family tore down the mechitzah on Simchat Torah

What were shuls like in terms of seating  early 1900s in the United states?

The family pew/mixed seating came to Reform shuls in the 1850s and was adopted between the 1920s and mid-1950s by most what were to become “Conservative” congregations and a small but significant minority of what were to become”Orthodox” synagogues. (The terms were not used in then the way there are today and the movements were less  separate then). Most traditional shuls had michitzot. But that did not mean they were as strict as people seem to think today.

I was astonished to (re)read this passaged from the beloved children’s book, set in the Lower East Side in 1913, All-of-a-Kind Family Downtown by  Sydney Taylor, for whom the premier Jewish Children’s book award is named.

From the back of the synagogue Uncle Solomon’s voice suddenly rang out, “All the world is singing on this joyous holiday”. Right hand cupping his right ear, left arm flung wide, he began shuffling his feet in time with his song. The sisters stared at him, astonished. Could this be their dignified Uncle Solomon?“ Papa, he’s dancing!” Gertie shouted. “It a party?” “Yes, my little one, Papa cried gaily. “It’s God’s party and everyone is invited.”

Uncle Solomon’s feet kept whirling faster and faster. They were carrying him clear across the back of the synagogue. He did not dance alone for long. One after another joined in to form a circle. Pious old men forgot the stiffness in their aching joints and danced shoulder to shoulder with the younger men and children. The curtain separating men and women was thrust aside, and so contagious was the revelry, many of the younger women joined the dancers. In and out and roundabout, Uncle Solomon led them, and the excitement kept mounting.

Voices feebly raised at first, soared ecstatically higher. Feet that had moved hesitantly, quickened their pace. Only the older women remained seated on the benches, bobbing their heads and clapping their work-worn hands in time with the dancing. Mama, too, was caught up in the moment, bouncing a delighted Charlie up and down on her knee.

The sisters, swept along in the general furor, were prancing about in all directions. Tiny Gertie was hemmed in by a sea of moving legs till Papa swung her onto his shoulders. There she rode on her bobbing throne, smiling down triumphantly at Charlotte who was holding on for dear life to her dancing Papa.

Yes, it is is a fictionalized account of Sydney Taylor’s (Sarah Brenner’s) early  life and there are a few very small, trivial  historical inaccuracies. But when she so carefully recalls so many ritual details like how to kosher meat with salt at home or what it is like behind the mechitzah on Yom Kippur, I doubt she would randomly make this up.

No religious expression is static over time or immune to the world around it. And we are all the richer, spirituality  for that.

After all, is it really God’s party if not everyone is invited?

 

Posted in Feminism and Jewish Ritual & Practice, Feminist Parenting, Jewish Feminism & Media | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Conservative Movement and Egalitarianism- Really Time to make up their minds

Just a  few days ago the Conservative movement’s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards (CJLS) passed a Tshuvah (ruling) declaring that women are obliged to perform positive time bound mitzvot.*

Let’s take a step back and look at the evolution of Conservative halacha on this point (Thank you Rev Wikipedia for most of this history):

  • Early in its history (earliest reference I can find is 1955), Conservative Judaism determined that a mechitza separating men and women was not required in services, and that women could be called to the Torah if permitted by the synagogue rabbi.
  • The CJLS passed a takkanah which allowed Jewish women to count in the prayer minyan. Throughout 1973 the CJLS debated various responsa on this subject. In August 1973 a vote was taken. Instead of voting for or against a particular responsum, the committee voted on accepting the conclusions of the teshuvot. A motion was passed which stated that “Men and women should be counted equally for a minyan.”, with nine in favor and four opposed.
  • In 1983 a number of Conservative rabbis issued responsa on the same subject, arguing that women can and should be counted in the prayer minyan. These papers were written as part of the process of JTS deciding on whether or not to admit women to its rabbinic and cantorial programs. However, the Chancellor of JTS at the time took this process out of the hands of the CJLS, and made the process an affair of the JTS faculty. The decision to allow women to become rabbinical and cantorial candidates was then based on a vote of JTS faculty.
  • In 2002, long after the Conservative movement had adopted complete de facto egalitarianism, it offered its first responsum on the subject, the Fine responsum, holding that Jewish women as a corporate entity could agree to assume the same obligations as men and be bound by them corporately, without any individual woman having to do so personally.  The CJLS effectively passed a takkanah ruling that women may be counted as witnesses in all areas of Jewish law.

 

And now to the main question the current tshuvah raises:

How can they maintain non-egalitarian congregations and minyanim ( including the daily Stein minyan at JTS) when those entities actively prevent Jews from fulfilling mitzvot they are obliged to do. I am pretty sure, for example, that the Shulchan Aruch says that if you are in mourning and you are able to you should be shaliach tzibur/ prayer leader-but wouldn’t a non-egalitarian minyan be actively preventing you from performing this mitzvah?

Yes, I know that each rabbi is the  mara d’atra, or local religious decisor but certain things are deemed beyond the pale (Officiating at an intermarriage, for example).

For extra fun you could note how the evolution of Conservative Halacha is  does and does not match in the order of the evolution of Modern Orthodox Halacha on women.

Also- Nice abstention from local Toronto Rabbi Baruch Frydman Kohl, who recently ruled that women could be counted in a minyan but not lead services.

*In Judaism traditionally, women were excused from what are called positive commandments (the Thou Shalts as opposed to the Thou Shalt Nots) and time-bound commandments (ones that must be done at a specific time of day), which happen also to be the commandments that are done in public, are performance oriented and are associated with prestige. (More here  )

 

 

 

 

Posted in Feminism and Jewish Ritual & Practice, Liberal Judaism | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Jewish Feminists, Liberal and Orthodox, Seek Mutual Respect

As an observant, but non-Orthodox feminist Jew,  I have been really interested in some of the struggles of Orthodox feminists both within their communities and with liberal Jewish feminists. I have listened to a lot of voices and these conversations have made me realize that Jewish feminists are looking for mutual respect from each other, but often feeling as if they don’t find it. The essence of the issue can be seen in this quote from one of the pioneering Orthodox feminists, Dr. Norma Joseph, addressing a group of Jewish feminists, “the feminist world finds me too Jewish and …  this Jewish feminist world finds me too religious.”

  • Orthodox feminists feel that liberal Jewish feminists don’t count them as “legitimate” or authentic feminists because Orthodox feminists are willing to accept non-egalitarian prayer conditions and language etc. The idea of creating change from within is too summarily dismissed and derided.
  • Liberal Jewish feminists feel that Orthodox feminists don’t count them as “legitimate” Jews or authentic Jews for two reasons:

1) Orthodox feminist don’t acknowledge the firsts or the way paved for them by liberal Jewish feminists.

As Hillary B.Gordon laments:

“Why can’t the Orthodox recognize that other women have come before them and fought the same fight?  Why is it that because it was done by Conservative or Reform Jewish women it is not legitimate according to the Orthodox?….. the Facebook story people were sharing about “I’m Orthodox and I wear tzizit” written by a woman.  You know what I sort of want to say?  Big deal!  I know, I know, in the Orthodox movement it is a big deal but come on people, get your head out of the sand, lots of women wear a tallit and even (gasp!) put on tefillin.

This was brought up by two comments on my blog by Dan Ab

why [do]Orthodox feminists ignore or actively remove feminist writing and changes from other denominations when crafting their own narrative. As she indirectly notes, this this a political rather than a halachic decision because admitting Orthodox feminism has been inspired by non-Orthodox changes essentially dooms efforts to make change. As an example, I was saddened that JOFA’s Fall 2013 journal had a bunch of personal stories from the first generation of Maharatot. All of them talked about having no Jewish female clergy role models which were either blatant lies or parading their own unwillingness to explore the world around them.

Similarly, modern Orthodox “innovations” like a ‘real’ bat mitzvah or baby naming  or Rosh hodesh groups, or women studying Talmud seldom if ever mention the origin of these ceremonies and notions decades before in the liberal movements.

2) Orthodox Jewish feminists don’t view non-Orthodox denominations as legitimate alternatives. As I say in  Orthodox feminists Why haven’t they left? Not because a lack of observant alternatives - It should be absolutely respected to stay in Orthodoxy because you love the community, or you grew up in Orthodoxy, or you choose to do so, but don’t present it as the only available, legitimate choice for observant Judaism.

Again Hillary B.Gordon:

On the ride home, we discussed another comment from the evening where Dr. Gorsetman told a story about an Orthodox Jewish woman who was a big neurologist – head of her hospital department AND an Orthodox Jew who attended an Orthodox shul.  One day she walked into shul, in to the women’s side of course and said “I can’t do this anymore” and subsequently just quit going to shul.  “This” was the fact that at her hospital she wasn’t a 2nd class citizen who needed to be hidden away in order not to tempt men. …. The shame of that was, as the two of us saw it, was that she quit going to shul as if there were no other Jewish options out there that could provide her with an alternative.  But again, somehow those options are just not legitimate.

and from my blog Marcia Beck

Certainly the larger Jewish world espouses a mainstream, ‘only orthodox practice is the real deal’ mentality. I have experienced a (mostly) unspoken feeling of competition when I speak with thoughtful Jewish women about observance. “Do you keep Shabbat? Do you keep kosher – fully kosher? What about the minor fast days?” I wish that we could walk in our diverse Jewish communities with compassion rather than judgement as our guide. Then we could ask questions like “where does the reality of your daily life bump into your practice of halachot? How do you cope with that?”

It seems also as if collaboration on liturgy, which could be very fruitful, is not possible because anything that comes from a non-Orthodox source is seen as tainted and dooming (And dooming it might be. Many Orthodox leaders would love to say that Orthodox feminists aren’t really Orthodox and cite their contact and cooperation with liberal Jews. But to bow to that pressure is not brave.)

JOFA has an excellent and inspiring Tanach program. So does Schechter. What would happen if they collaborated?

So bottom line I would say this to all of us: Those who seek legitimacy should also confer legitimacy. What great things we could do together!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

V’Tzivanu: Women, Tefillin, and Tzitzit: Bread and Butter, Challah and Tefillin, and the “New Jew”

READ the whole thing- it is worth it!

I have come to the conclusion that the rabbis exempted women from certain mitzvot to ensure that men are free to serve God through mitzvot, and that the mitzvot not lose their status and, therefore, their power to inspire awe. The impact of this exemption on women’s spirituality and ability to serve God was acceptable, in their view—if the question of women’s spirituality was even considered.

Today, however, women are equal citizens in secular society (at least officially) and are not expected to sacrifice their self-fulfillment for men. The rabbinic model of women’s exemption from mitzvot no longer makes sense. Even as I have come to value homemaking and other nurturing activities once considered more feminine (such as communal work), I am still not willing to consider them “women’s work.” To be full, balanced human beings we all need to be engaged in both the public and private spheres, in nurturing acts as well as acts of self-fulfillment. Men, therefore, should take challah and women should wrap tefillin, and vice versa. If we value both of these experiences, and if we see neither gender as subservient to the other, we should settle for nothing less.

via V’Tzivanu: Women, Tefillin, and Tzitzit: Bread and Butter, Challah and Tefillin, and the “New Jew”.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment